Being an adult

Being an adult sucks

Making "the right" choice sucks

Being responsible sucks

This is what has to be done, and the future will be a lot brighter if I just do what "sucks" for a little while.

It will get better, right?!

recharged

ahhhhh.

feels good to be rested!

I got so much done this weekend and still found time to relax, sleep in, go to the gym, spend some quality time with Joe and even do a little bit of crafting

Made these adorable little Hair Flowers! It was a great break between the cleaning and organizing. They only took about five minutes each. I feel so refreshed and energized. I am fully ready to kick this weeks ass!!!

dead battery

I would say that on any given day I could describe myself with characteristics of the

Energizer Bunny.

When in reality, I probably look more like a pile of dead batteries with no hope of getting a charge.






This is something my mother has been telling me for YEARS. "Hilary, you can do anything you want! Just not everything you want". "Hil, you gotta stop and charge the batteries every once and a while". "Hilary, make sure you don't run yourself ragged"... I have heard all of this, not only by my mother, but by others close to me.
I think the advice is finally sinking in.

In the last ten days, 5 of them I have left my car somewhere overnight due to drinking or being out late with friends. I see this as a good thing and a bad thing...

a) I am so proud of myself for not drinking and driving and knowing that it is OK to take a cab or call a friend if you have had a few too many.

b) I am not so proud that out of the ten days I mentioned, only half of them were spent NOT partying.

c) I am even more proud of myself for noticing that this is an issue and I need to fix it and re focus.

I do not want this to be a post about how I may or may not drink too much. Because I am 21 yrs old and enjoying life. I do want this to be a post about how easy it is to lose focus and get lost in the "fun" of it all.

I am a social person, and alone time is not something I need or want very often. I enjoy going out and being wild, but I think I have hit a wall and need to take a look at some things in my life.

I am moving out of the apartment that my sister and I share in June. I am getting a place of my own and starting over. I am putting 100% of my effort into finding other side jobs doing hair (funeral home, nursing home, kitchen hair etc etc) so that come June, I wont have to get a waitresing job. I am trying to do all of these things while still going out 6 nights a week??? This needs to change... So I am starting today!

It is Friday and I am home. I worked from 9-5 and then had a very nice date with Joe. Went to the gym for an hour and now I am home and ready for bed before 11pm. Tomorrow and the rest of the weekend I plan to spend at home organizing my living space. I want to go through my crafting "junk" and my clothing "junk"... I want to take this weekend and de clutter as much as I can!

My friends and boyfriend are all out having chocolate martinis right now and I am at home blogging. . . Does it make me an old woman because I am totally ok with that!? I dont think so. Starting tomorrow I am going to regain focus and spend the weekend getting into a better and more healthy state of mind.

Dad

When I was young, my dad wasn't around much. He worked a lot, and most of the time it was out of town. My father and I have grown closer as I have gotten older, but as for childhood memories... my dad isn't in many of them. The one he is in... Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches. I love a good PB&B sandwich, and whenever I make one, I think of my dad.

Had an AMAZING workout at the gym this morning. Yesterday sucked in more ways than one! I am trying really hard to get my focus back and stay on track with the self improvment goals I started with this year... In doing that I need to remind myself to be better about staying in touch with people who matter.
My dad still travels a lot for work and isn't around but a few times a year. I am horrible at keeping in touch and as I made my PB&B this afternoon I started to think about my Father. I am always too busy to answer a phone call, or pre occupied with my own life issues to pick up the phone and say Hello. My dad may not be "in town" a lot but he has ALWAYS been there for me when I needed him. Maybe I should stop bitching about the crappy friends I have in my life and start taking advantage of the amazing ones I do have... Even if they are my Mom and Dad.

:)

A Broken Record

Here we go again...
Back to the drawing board of what is wrong with Hilary.
When I was in middle school is was "stomach migraines"
Then in high school it was test after test just to find out it was endometriosis.
Then the surgery that was a temporary fix and a ticking time clock on my baby making belly.
Don't forget about the freak incident in Indianapolis that hospitalized me for a day because I had a vein go into overdrive which sent me into momentary loss of motor function.
Most recent was the news of a severely tilted uterus.
Now, the abnormal cells that they found last year, and told me would go away due to the fact that I was so young, are still here..... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!?!?!
At this point I don't cry or freak out. The me 5 years ago would be with my mom at Barnes and Noble doing research and hitting our knees in mass amounts of prayer. Screw it.
I am ok with the fact that I have an "abnormal body". I have faced the music that I may not be able to have children and that I live with chronic pain (now under control with minor hick ups. Fingers Crossed). But I am SO tired of feeling "broken".
And that is what this feels like. I know that I could have it way worse, and I am thankful every day that I am healthy and living a full and happy life. But this unknown feeling of brokenness is starting to sound like a broken record.
So, on April 14Th I will hopefully find out what these stupid abnormal cells have to hold for me in the future, and I will kick their ass just like everything else that has come my way.
Today on the other hand... I am gonna feel broken and sad that this stuff keeps coming my way. I think a good run and some Mumford and Sons is exactly what I need after work.
:)

Have to start somewhere.

Ugh. I did it. I posted my first crafting tutorial. Check it out at hilarykballard.wordpress.com

This is something I have been wanting to do for a long time, but never felt comfortable. I am in NO way a master crafter, or in any place to be telling others the best way to make ANYTHING.

I have a good friend who makes video tutorials all the time, and she says it is just learning right along side of everyone else, and showing them what you discovered.

I really wanted to make a wallet tonight for my friend, and found MANY great patterns and ideas online. But there seemed to be something I loved and hated in each one. Some were too difficult or required the time I didn't have, and some were just not my style... So, I decided that tonight was as good a night as any to "learn along side everyone else", and document what I created. IT WAS FUN!!

I found that it kept me more focused, and on task. I was being more careful and double checking myself often because I knew I was going to put this online. I really liked the outcome and I think that it made me a more thorough crafter in the end.

Check it out and let me know what you think!!!

I am really hoping for a camera for my birthday so I can start doing video and taking better pictures. Right now I am using my camera phone... enough said.

a new addition

http://www.hilarykballard.wordpress.com/



Check it out.

I will still keep this blog, but it will become more of a personal rant, and my wordpress will be stories of the salon, funeral home exoression through crafting.

Listener - Wooden Heart

Please do not be distracted by his delivery...

Be swept away by his words!

My friend posted this on her facebook, and it really shook me up.

Enjoy.

picking my battles

To fight or not to fight?
To start drama or ignore it?
To stand up for yourself, or be happy in the world of avoidance?
These are the battles I face every day! I KNOW I am not alone here, people!

I have been told way too many times that I am "harsh". The way I say things comes off rude, and inconsiderate... Maybe this is true, maybe not. I do know that I am a blunt, no bullshit kind of person. I see life very black and white, right and wrong. I am a happy, easy going person, who strongly believes in living with, and by, your consequences... this is something hard to stomach if we don't see eye to eye... ( also translated as harsh )
I have a lot of opinions, about a lot of things. I am trying to master the art of "keeping my mouth shut". This is something I am still working on, and in the main, I am failing!!!
I am struggling with the idea of rolling over and taking it, or standing up for what I KNOW is right... Because I am a person who strongly believes in consequences, I am treading lightly on my next move. I know that whatever I do or say will be met with some strong whip lash....
Am I ready for that????

finding balance....

I have made it a goal in 2011 to lose weight and get in shape! I am doing really well, and making great progress. But with this new goal I have lost time to do the things I love... Crafting! I think the last time I sat down at the sewing machine was new years eve. This makes me sad. :(

I have always been bad at finding balance in my life. I always go head first into new "things" in life. Relationships, hobbies, goals, etc. Anyone have any tips?! I have gotten very good at balancing relationships and people. I used to be really bad at this. Now I can balance my interactions with people, and evenly spread myself. Now, just to apply this to my hobbies! I have grown to LOVE the gym and the feeling of a good hard workout! Maybe I should start combining my hobbies. I will start sewing my own gym clothes! haha. I don't think sequins and feathers are very practical for the gym...

change...

I have always had short hair.
I think my mom stared cutting my hair short when I was around 7 yrs old.
I have had a pixie, faux hawk, stacked bob, traditional bob, etc etc. You name it, I have had it.
Except for long hair.... That is until this last year.
I decided to grow my hair out and see what it was like.
I got it pretty darn long, and had a blast with it.
I was really starting to love the length, and then today....
I CUT 7" OFF!!!
Why do we do this?!
Women are crazy. I cut peoples hair all the time, and I see them freak out over change. We are such funny creatures. We grow, color, cut and curl, and still are never happy!
I am happy with my new change, but just keep thinking about those long locks.... :(
They will be back soon, I am sure....

Hard to put "me" in words

I am having to write/video/compose a "bio" of sorts about myself for a project I am working on. This is much harder than I thought it would be. I think I am a pretty interesting person, and I have much to offer.. But when I am asked to put it in writing or think about how I would like to "introduce" myself, I draw a blank!!!

I have tons of ideas and visions of what my introduction would look like, but I can not formulate this into something even I would want to read/watch.... So, maybe THAT should be my introduction. A list of my fears and insecurities behind "me". Ha Ha. I don't think anyone would want to read that either.

So, it looks like for the first time in my life, I am having trouble finding something to say. This has NEVER happened to me before. I always have something on my mind, and never have a problem voicing it.

I think I will let the camera roll for awhile, and just TALK. Maybe I am better on the spot!

The Year of Hilary.....

I am a pretty outgoing person. I would consider myself adventurous. I take risks.
I do not put myself first, though.
I am a people-pleaser, and I want to make all the people around me happy.
I work too hard at not making waves, that I end up forgetting what it is that I really want out of life. So, I have decided that 2011 is the Year of Hilary.
I do not desire to change who I am, because I like who I am. I like making others happy, and I like that I am an easygoing person. What I do not like is that my desires are usually on the back of my mind. This is what I wish to change.
I am starting with baby steps of self improvement.
I have quit smoking.
I am exercising more, and eating healthy.
I am learning to do what I want to do, and if others do not want to join... THAT'S OK!
This is just the beginning, and I have a whole list of 2011 things that I want to accomplish... These are just a few of them:

* Fly to Vegas for the weekend.
* Go Sky Diving in April.
* Learn to Ski
* Take a road trip... possibly alone?!
* See Tiger Army in California
* See Old Crow Medicine Show
* Make more things than I Buy
* Buy a bike.
* Pay off my Car (ha)
* Walk on a frozen lake, and NOT freak out.
* Be more organized in my day to day life
* Make time for God. (seeing as this is the last thing on my list, it may need to be the first thing I start working on!)

I will do this.
I will be a better me.
I will put my happiness first in 2011!

"Third times the charm".. or at least more interesting.

I take back my statement from yesterdays post...
I have now seen my first dead body.
I realized today that by the time I meet these people, they are no longer human bodies, they are mannequins.
I went in today to do another client of the funeral home. (still struggling with what to "call" what I am doing.... suggestions are welcome)
Everything was just as it had been before...
Quiet.
Sterile.
Cold.
Then the back door opened up with a delivery. A delivery of a human body. A very old woman who had just passed away that morning. The two boys who had picked her up, seemed very shocked that I was going to be in the back room with them. It wasn't till I saw, and realized the difference between the dead bodies I had been handling, and the "fresh" dead body they were unloading, that I understood why they thought I may want to leave the room. In my head I was thinking, "I'll see her in a few days anyway... whats the big deal?!" It wasn't a big deal, but different, and somewhat shocking compared to what I had just gotten used to.
Still... didn't freak me out.
I was now in the back room with a woman who looked like she was taking a nap before attending a very nice dinner with her husband at Houllihans, and a woman that looked as if, well, she had just died.
The difference was alarming to me, and eye opening all at the same time. I fully understood the service that the funeral home, and myself are doing for the families. Because today, for the first time in my life, I saw that death is not pretty.

The lack of body heat is just the beginning....

7 is the number of dead bodies I have seen

3 is the number of them that I knew personally.

2 is the number of times I have done hair on a person after they have died.

0 is the number of times it has freaked me out.

I have a very good client who just so happens to own a few funeral homes in the area.

Doing hair on the recently deceased is not something I have always wanted to do. But I have a problem saying no to people I like, and I really like this client.... So I said yes.

Weird, right?

No, not at all!

Martha was the first.

She was an older lady with short hair.

She was wearing a pink robe and her nails had just been painted.

Other than that, I know nothing about this woman.

When I arrived at the funeral home I was full of nerves and was sweating under my many layers of winter wear. As I sat in the office waiting for my instructions I forced myself to calm down and realized that I had to at least get through this one, and if it was that bad, I never had to come back.

At that moment the funeral director told me that they had 2 bodies in the back room and one was in the embalming process, while the lady I needed to prepare was in there as well. I quickly said that I did NOT want to be working in that room. "No problem" he said and he wheeled Martha into another room.

Because I was new at this sort of thing a man stayed in the room with me to make sure I didn't wig out or anything... And to be honest, before I walked into that room, I thought I might wig out myself.

But I didn't.

It was like I had been around dead people my whole life. I didn't even think twice before plugging in my curling iron and getting to work.

She looked dead, and felt cold. I had forgotten about the lack of body heat after death. I got past it and moved on. After that, it was easy and sort of fun.

I was proud of what I had just done and I wanted to do more.

Lucky me, I got a call just a few hours later asking if I could come back in a few days.

I am not sure what the last lady's name was, and that makes me sad.

I do know that she was 76 and her grandson was handling most of her arrangements.

There wasn't anyone in the room with me this time, and I was in the back, alone.

Once again I found myself completely comfortable.

At this point the fact that I am NOT freaked out is freaking me out more than the dead bodies are!

There is an odd part of this job that I am starting to enjoy, and its not just the money.

I have been sick for the past few days and I have had lots of time to lay in bed and think. This subject has been on my mind quite a bit.

When the funeral director gave me the picture of how the family wanted the last woman's hair to look he made a joke and said, "You can keep this for your file". That has been in my head for the past few days! I feel like I do need to keep a "file" of sorts, or at least write something about my experience with these people.

You see, I am the last person to touch them before they are put in the casket. Their makeup has been done, body prepared and they have been fully dressed.

I want to be able to say something about my experience. Maybe this is the place, maybe not. I guess Ill have to figure that out along the way, but for now this will do.